My Journey
Written by Danielle Bararuk, PT. | March 30, 2021
The beginning, in the midst of the storm, and as it continues.
I am grateful today to be able to tell my health journey, standing strong and feeling empowered, but not without the incredible support from my husband, children, family, friends, coworkers, medical professionals, and the rest of my team. Last March the world shut down. I was unemployed and found myself at home with our three young children at, ages 4, 6 and 8 at the time, with a new task of home schooling the oldest two. My husband, Kelly, and I have been married for 10 years. We have been through a lot together, but this was no doubt, the start of one of the most stressful and challenging times in our lives.
“She was on a journey that required her to be fierce. She was up for the task”
In April 2020 I started experiencing low grade headaches, which were not typical for me. Then the brain fog, fatigue, and anxiety started. Nothing initially that I couldn’t chalk up to having had three kids at home, my new job as their teacher, being unemployed, and the stress and worry about this new virus which we knew very little about. After a few weeks, I was concerned about the headaches and went and got tested for COVID since that is one of the symptoms. The headaches and brain fog persisted, but I didn’t say a lot to anyone, I just pushed forward. Inside I felt like I was falling apart. I knew something was wrong, I thought maybe I was having a mental health breakdown, since I had never experienced these symptoms before. It was Tuesday, May 11th, 2020, when I was having a hot bath trying to get rid of the headaches and stress I had been experiencing. When all of a sudden, I got an extreme headache, and lost the vision in my right eye. I was scared, really scared. I got out of the tub and my vision came back within minutes and my headache dissipated. It worried me, but it was my daughter’s birthday the next day and I LOVE birthdays. I always go above and beyond for my children. This year was different, it was “COVID”. I was determined to still give her the birthday that I always did even in the midst of the symptoms I was experiencing. She had already had so much taken away from her. Not being in school with her friends, no activities to participate in, no family around for connection. I needed to do this. So, I did. I remember standing in the kitchen on her birthday by myself. Feeling like I was in a dream, not knowing what I was doing. I remember going to put the cheese in the pantry, instead of the fridge, and having a gut feeling something was really wrong. I went to my doctor, he told me that the minute those symptoms come back to go to the Emergency as they would be able to do a CT scan there for me. He knew this wasn’t normal for me and put a referral into a neurologist. Then two days later I had a hot bath again and the same thing happened to me, but worse. I got really lightheaded, I lost the vision in my right eye, the ice pick headache was back. This time I had extreme fear. I was by myself, and I knew at that moment I needed to get out of the tub. My husband was upstairs putting our three kids to bed. I called my sister right away. We hadn’t been in the same room together since March, but I needed her now more than anything. By the time she got there, which was really quick, my symptoms had gone away. But I knew where I needed to be. My husband came down, and I kissed him and remember saying, “I need to go to the hospital, everything will be okay”. She drove me to Emergency and told me she would come back whenever I was done. I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.
“YOU are the only one who knows your own body best, what you are feeling, and when something isn’t right.”
I remember entering the Emergency room alone. I was scared, but I knew I needed to be strong. I saw the Emergency doctor right away. Clinically there were no signs of what I was about to be diagnosed with. The doctor looked at me in the eyes and said, “You are a healthy mom of three, are you looking after your children the way you want to be looking after them?”. I broke down in tears, I was overwhelmed with fear. I said, “I know something is wrong, but I don’t know what.” She looked at me and said, “That is a game changer, you are going for a CT scan right away”. What I was about to hear, was something that I would have imagined I would have had my husband or family with me to hear. But due to COVID, you couldn’t have a family member with you. The doctor came in and told me that I had a very large brain tumor on my frontal lobe and significant swelling on my brain. I remember taking a deep breath, thinking about my family, tearing up, and then saying, “Okay, what do we need to do then?”. The doctor hugged me, even though she wasn’t supposed to. She knew I needed someone. I knew at that moment I had a long road ahead of me, but I knew, I was up for it. I had a family that needed me, and I needed them.
“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear” - Atticus
This was the start of my eight day stay in the hospital. Eight days I wouldn’t see my husband or kids. I didn’t even get to tell them in person that I loved them or give them a hug and tell them Mom was going to be okay. I was admitted to the neurology ward and put on anti-seizure medication and a high dose of steroids to decrease the swelling in my brain. I had many consults with neurosurgeons, resident doctors, anesthesiologists, nurses, etc. They decided that the tumour had to come out as soon as possible, due to the mass size of it. I had an outpouring of support and prayers from family and friends. I felt extremely supported, but still I found myself having to dig deep within me for strength. I did not have family there with me. The first couple days I felt alone, scared, a heaviness in my heart and mind. I prayed a lot, and asked god for guidance and strength. I remember the moment when I was lying in my hospital bed, when my state of mind changed. I said to myself, “I am stronger than this”. Once I believed it, within moments I felt stronger, like a weight lifted off me.
“She stood in the storm & when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.”
On the following Wednesday, May 20, 2020 I had brain surgery. My husband, Kelly, had not been able to come to the hospital at all since I had been admitted. However, he was able to come in and see me for one hour before surgery. To feel his hug, his love, and his presence when I had been so alone, I will never forget how grateful I was at that time. He wasn’t allowed to wait in the hospital while I was in surgery. He sat in the car in the parking lot, along with my parents and my sister so I knew they were there with me. In that moment, there was no question that I wasn’t going to overcome this. A little over two hours later I came out of craniotomy surgery. I remember the neurosurgery team saying, “Everything went very well. We got the whole tumour in one piece.” I felt overjoyed in that moment, but wished I had someone to hug. I was then taken up to the neuro-observation unit. I wasn’t able to have my husband come, due to a possible COVID case on the ward. I remember being so thankful to be alive. That hadn’t come across my mind until that moment. I guess I had never thought about my mortality until I came so close to it. Later that day I was able to get up and walk around. I had quite a bit of pressure and pain. A very large incision with titanium plates and screws in my head, 33 staples, and significant swelling and bruising. That didn’t seem to bother me at all. I was so thankful to be alive and to get to go back home soon to my family. Just two days later they discharge me.
“Forward. You only need to focus on one little step forward. You don’t need to conquer the entire mountain right now. You don’t need to have everything figured out today. The only possible way to climb a mountain is by climbing it one step at a time. Don’t think about the peak, don’t worry about what may come later. Instead, focus on the one little step in front of you. The rest will come when it’s time. For now, it’s just one little step. “ -Nikki Banas
My journey continued. When I returned home, I was welcomed with hugs and kisses from my three beautiful children. Having their warm embrace, I knew I was going to be okay, no matter how hard the recovery was going to be. I had significant help from both sets of parents and my sister and her family. I wasn’t able to bend over for two weeks. No lifting or driving for 6 weeks. I was to do no more than light tasks or light walking. I had never slowed down, this seemed like the biggest challenge for me at the time. I had always been there for my family and done whatever it was they needed. But now, I wasn’t able to do all the tasks that I wanted so deeply to do. I wanted to lift my little boy up when he asked. But I knew I couldn’t. This was hard to except, but I knew if I wanted to be there for them in the future, I needed to do what the doctors were telling me to. So, I leaned on the people that were there for me. My children needed to be around family. They needed their grandparents and cousins for support. My sister and her family were there for us every step of the way and still are. The kids were kept busy by their grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. And I for the first time, had to put myself and my healing first. I was fatigued, unable to climb a flight of stairs without being out of breath, had some left arm and leg weakness and some slight cognitive changes. I knew I could and would overcome these. I worked with a physiotherapist and occupational therapist. The strength came back, and the words started to come back. But I continued to struggle with fatigue and brain fog. Three months after surgery I had significant hair loss. This was so hard on me. I was scared something else was wrong. My doctor assured me it was due to the trauma and stress my body had went through. It brought up so many emotions that were hard for me to deal with by myself.
Over the next few months, I started to physically feel better, but something still wasn’t right. I knew I needed help coping with what I had been through. I had dark days. My mind was full of worry, fear, anxiety about what I had been through and about the unknown ahead. I had been through significant trauma, change, and loss. I wanted to blame something or someone for what happened. I was fearful of the tumour coming back. I had trouble dealing with the mild cognitive changes, that really only I could notice. I had been faced with my own mortality and had to learn how to move forward. I needed help with my thoughts I needed help discovering who I was now. Mentally I needed help so I could truly heal. I started to see a counsellor. She helped me find the strength and courage I had inside me to work through and overcome these mental challenges and help me continue on my healing journey.
I will continue to have monitoring with MRI’s for a few years to watch for tumour regrowth. I recently had an MRI and there is no sign of tumour regrowth and everything is healing well. This was the best news, and I am so grateful to be able to move forward. The next step is returning to work. I look forward to starting back treating patients very soon and practicing in a clinic with such a knowledgeable and supportive team.
When I think of the last year a few words come to mind. Thankful- I am thankful for what I have been through to help me slow down. It taught me to take the time to enjoy what is right in front of me and be thankful for all that I have. There wasn’t a day that went by that my dad or mom didn’t call to check and see how I was doing. There still aren’t many days that go by that my dad doesn’t call to let me know that he’s thinking of me. I am incredibly thankful for all the messages and calls, words of encouragement and support throughout my journey from everyone. Perseverance- I have learned to not get discouraged in spite of difficultly. This health journey has challenged me to sit with my difficult and negative emotions, but not let them “be me”, or get the best of me. With perseverance and patience, I feel I am capable to strive and fight no matter how difficult it might be. Connection- This past year I have also been blessed with the time to learn the value of connection. I have been given the time to cultivate and grow deeper in my relationships. I have learned that time is valuable. Take time with the ones you love, enjoy all the moments, don’t rush through life. To not focus on material things, or things that you don’t have, but rather all that you do have with the ones you love. I have been given the time to reconnect with my husband, children, family and friends and I am forever grateful for this.
I think it would be easy to look back on the last year and say, “I never want to remember that year” or “that was the worst year ever”, but instead I choose to celebrate the positives, even amongst all the negatives. I now know more than ever that I am a strong, resilient and very grateful woman, wife, mother, sister, sister-in-law, daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, friend, and therapist.
“Where there are no words…know the silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you.”
Danielle Bararuk
Physiotherapist
Pelvic Health Therapist
