Holiday Perfectionism
Written by Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong, Ph.D. | December 15, 2021
Making a To-Do List & Checking it Twice: Perfectionism & the Holidays
The holidays can be fun, joyful, and exciting. Let’s be real though - they can also be super stressful!
Especially when you feel the pressure to get things just right: To cook the perfect meal, give the best gifts, keep all the traditions going, and make that sure everyone around you is happy.
Prepping for the holidays while keeping up with your usual responsibilities at home and work gets overwhelming. Especially for those struggling with perfectionism.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism involves striving to meet impossible expectations. We set super high standards and then criticize ourselves when we can’t meet them. With perfectionism, we often try to motivate ourselves by pointing out our flaws and mistakes. No matter what we do, it always feels like we should be achieving something more.
It’s easy to idealize perfectionism. Especially in a society that places so much emphasis on looking, acting, and living in certain ways.
But perfectionism goes beyond working hard and improving ourselves. Perfectionism is often an effort to deal with underlying insecurities and fears. Like fears of being rejected or judged. Or fears of being exposed as someone who’s “not good enough.”
There are lots of expectations associated with the holidays. After all, it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year! So many people find that perfectionism increases leading up to the holiday season.
Perfectionism and the Holidays
Here are some ways that perfectionism can show up during the holidays:
Making long to-do lists that you’ll never have time to finish
Obsessing over every single detail like it will “make or break” the holidays
Worrying excessively about what other people think
Trying to do everything yourself to make sure it’s done just right
Keeping traditions going because you feel like you “should,” not because you enjoy them
Putting off holiday prep when you know it will be overwhelming
Focusing on everything that goes wrong, even if no one else notices
Getting overwhelmed when plans change unexpectedly
Neglecting your own well-being to look after other people
With perfectionism, it’s tough to enjoy the holiday moments we worked so hard to create. We’re often left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And sometimes disappointed, if our family and friends don’t seem to appreciate everything we’ve done.
Read on for five tips on how to reclaim some holiday joy from perfectionism.
5 Ways to Resist Holiday Perfectionism
Reflect on What Matters
It’s easy to get caught up in the sparkles, bows, and lights of the holidays. In other words, in things that look good but that don’t really matter in the big picture.
One way to push back against perfectionism is to define what’s most important to you this holiday season.
That might be spending time with loved ones, enjoying special traditions that remind you of the past, or finally relaxing after a busy year.
When you notice yourself obsessing over some part of your holiday prep, take a moment to reflect on what matters. Is this something that will move you closer to your values? Or is it just a distraction?
Decide “What’s Necessary, What’s Nice, and What’s Got to Go”
I love this tip for time management from a leadership book by Suzette Lovely.
When your to-do list gets too long, it’s time to prioritize.
Perfectionism tells us that every single detail is equally important. But that’s just not the case. When it comes to preparing for the holidays, some things are necessary, some things are nice to have, and some things are not needed.
Start by deciding what’s necessary on your to-do list. What are the basics that you absolutely need to have in place for the holidays? Maybe that’s going grocery shopping, booking time off work, or arranging your travel plans.
Then decide what’s nice to have. These are lower priority tasks that might add something to the holiday, but that you could do without. Perhaps that’s adding some new decorations to your tree or making a second dessert. Do these things only if you have extra time and energy after focusing on what’s necessary.
Next, decide what can be taken off your list entirely. Ask yourself if you really need to make another shopping trip for that last-minute stocking stuffer. Or perhaps you can skip a social get-together that you’re already dreading.
Everyone is going to have different ideas about what’s necessary, nice, or unneeded. Make sure that you’re clear on your priorities, so that you don’t get overwhelmed trying to do it all.
Delegate
If you’re solely in charge of all the holiday prep, it might be time to delegate.
Perfectionism convinces us that we must do everything ourselves. So it can be hard to ask for help. Maybe we think that people are going to judge us as “lazy” or “less than.” Or maybe we feel the need to control things, to make sure they’re done right.
Doing everything ourselves is a recipe for burnout. And it can feed into resentment; for example, if we see those around us relaxing while we’re barely keeping up.
Go back to your to-do list and see what can be delegated. Perhaps you could ask your relatives to bring a side dish for the holiday meal. Or divide up some chores among the people in your house.
Other people might not do things to your standards. So this is a good opportunity to practice letting go of perfection. Remember tip #1 and try to focus on what really matters.
If you’re having trouble delegating, start with the nice-to-have things and work your way up to outsourcing more important jobs.
Set Boundaries when Needed
The holidays can be a tricky time when it comes to navigating relationships. Many people feel overwhelmed by the expectations that other people (especially family) place on them at this time of year.
People who experience perfectionism may have trouble setting limits with others. Perfectionism likely tells you that you can’t let anybody down, ever. In that case, your holiday to-do list may be more about keeping other people happy than meeting your own needs.
Give yourself permission to set boundaries at this time of year, which could include:
Not going home or travelling for the holidays
Making your own schedule versus working around everyone else’s plans
Opting out of activities that you don’t enjoy
Taking time for yourself as needed
Asking for help with holiday prep
Leaving conversations that make you uncomfortable
If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it can feel awkward at first. Many people experience guilt when they start setting limits. Especially if other people don’t respond kindly to our new boundaries.
Feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re doing the wrong thing. It could just mean that we’re not used to protecting our needs. Or that we’re holding onto the story that it’s our job to keep the peace and make everyone else happy. Setting boundaries is a skill that gets easier with time and practice.
Take a Moment
Perfectionism makes it tough to stay in the present moment. Instead, we often get stuck dwelling on past mistakes and worrying about what could go wrong next.
Try to pause regularly during the holiday season. Take some deep breaths and be mindful of what’s happening around you.
Check in with each of your five senses.
What do you see? Maybe it’s your loved ones smiling or the Christmas tree all lit up.
What can you hear? Perhaps it’s “Jingle Bells” playing for the 10th time.
What do you feel in your body? Relax your shoulders and jaw if needed, as we often hold tension in these areas.
What do you smell and taste? Take a moment to savour your favourite seasonal foods and drinks.
It’s often these little moments that make the holidays meaningful.
More on Perfectionism
Want to learn more about perfectionism? Follow Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong on Instagram or read about counselling for perfectionism.
Dr. Marnie Rogers-de Jong
Registered Doctoral Psychologist, Owner of Navigation Psychology
